Month: April 2016

Ever had one of those days when it is all you can do to keep back the tears?  A day that is harder than hard.  Well today is one of those days for me.  If I could have had my way, I might have just hide under the covers (may not… I don’t like my head covered) and cried the day away.  

Today, Sunday, April 10, 2016 should have been the day to celebrate my younger sister,Becky’s, 55 birthday.  Today should have been  the day I would tease her about getting older.  Today should have been the day I took her a rose bush or hanging basket to say Happy Birthday.  Today should have been the day I decided to change it up and take her bubbles, sidewalk chalk, a kite, a coloring book and markers to give her a chance to feel young again.

But today is not the day it should have been.  So instead of doing the things I should have been doing and  I used to love to do for Becky’s birthday, I did things I would rather not do.  Instead , I posted in memory photos on Facebook. Instead,  I posted about how much I loved and missed her on this National Siblings Day and her now heavenly birthday.  Instead, I made a beautiful and cheerful headstone arrangement and delivered it to the cemetery.  Instead, I shed more than a few tears because I miss her more than I could ever imagine.  Today I wanted to do anything but the “Instead”.

In just a few weeks we will embark on the 5th anniversary of Becky’s sudden and shocking death.  It is still hard on my heart to think about her going to bed right next door to me and her waking up in Heaven only a few hours later.

There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my sister, my next door neighbor, my secret keeper, my “make me so angry” person and my best friend.   And it’s the strangest things I miss.  I miss her being mad at me.  I miss her complaining I didn’t wave at her when I didn’t even see her.  I miss her being annoyed because I would mow my yard and make hers look shabby. I miss her making me laugh at the smallest  of things.    I miss her………….. well that list could go on and on.

You know, many times I wanted to kill my little sister.  But I never ever wanted her dead.  I never wanted to walk the rest of my life life without her.  I never wanted to watch her family hurt.  I never wanted to learn to stand on my own at times I would need to lean on her.

I’ve said it many times.  Our mom dying at such a young age was hard.  Daddy being here one day and gone the next was hard.  But my younger sister dying in her sleep was harder than hard.  It was harder than hard because in the previous hard and heartbreaking circumstances of life, I had my sister to lean on.  I had my sister to worry about.  I had my sister to talk to.  I had my sister to cry with. I had my sister who knew exactly what I felt like.  I had my sister to wipe my tears.  This time in the saddest time of my life:  I don’t have her to help me.  Grieving without my sister is truly harder than hard.  

Today has turned into one of those harder than hard days.  Today I miss her even more than I did yesterday.  Today I wish I could change things.  Today I know I can’t change anything.  Today I know tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us.  Today I know to love those you love completely today!!!!  Today I know I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be.  Today I know God will give me what I need to get through today.  Today I know one step at a time I will walk faithfully through the harder than hard.

 

I love feeling like I’m being used by God.  I love being available to meet the need of someone else.  I love serving and being there for others.

All too often I’m guilty of making plans and  thinking I know exactly how God “should be” using me.  When I’m making those plans I usually think it has to be something big.  But those plans are mine and sometimes God’s plans are simple and could easily go unnoticed by anyone but HIM.

This week God chose to use me in one of those super simple ways.  

When it comes to my grandchildren there is no limit to what I would do to care for them and help them in their daily walk.  Well this week God choose to have me minister to the little feet that are walking beside him.  

On Monday I was up to my eyeballs in volunteer work for the Relay for Life. This time of year Monday is Relay day in my world.  As I sat at the keyboard sending out emails and trying to recruit others to get excited about the rapidly approaching community event, my phone rang.  My caller ID told me it was the school.  As soon as I answered, I recognized the voice on the other end.  It was nurse Rolanda, the precious nurse at the elementary school where three of my  grandbabies attend.  Immediately I jump into worry mode, with my mind racing.  Is someone sick, did someone get hurt, what’s wrong are the first things to my thoughts.  Well when I decided to listen, I learned that no one was sick and no one was hurt, but one of the grandkids did indeed need my help.  Yep, God was using me to help them on the path of life.  Nurse Rolanda explains that Trista was wearing her new boots that she was so proud of.  Those new boots were hurting her feet and were about to rub a blister.  The solution…. “Could Mimi bring her some different shoes?”  Well of course, tennis shoes were soon on their way to her sore little feet.  

Several times during the week I thought about that phone and I was thankful my schedule allowed me to meet the needs of Trista.  To be able to provide what she needed at the time she needed, maybe that was how God was using me.  

The very busy week passed quickly and soon it was Friday and my day was packed with plans and things to get done.   Well suddenly  my phone was ringing again and it was once again Nurse Rolanda.  Again nobody was sick or hurt,  can you believe it…… it was yet another shoe issue.  Seriously, my ministry for the week was shoes?  This time there were no blisters, no new boots causing pain.  This time……. It was dog poop.  Yes, you read that right….. Dog poop.  Sweet nurse Rolanda explained that Kaiden had stepped in dog poop before coming to school and he was not able to get it or the smell out of his shoes.  And you guessed it…… they needed me to bring him another pair of shoes.

I smiled as I looked at the shoes now sitting in the front seat of my car and on their way to school.  I smiled and I whispered, “thank you God for using me to meet the needs of another.”
Sometimes God calls us to wash the feet of another and other times  he calls us to deliver shoes to school.  

Mom, Mimi and Messy is a great way to describe me.  I consider myself very blessed.  Most of my blessing come for the amazing family God gave to me.  I find great joy in being a wife, mom and  a Mimi.  I know many would love to have my life and the love that fills it. Sometimes it is hard for me to see my life the way others do.  Some days I can only see the messy me.   Everyday I am a work in progress and I’m learning daily to allow God to direct me on how to live through and clean up my messes.  I’m thankful God loves messy people.  I’m thankful my family loves my messy me.  It is my prayer for my life and my messes to inspire others.  Some of my messes will make you laugh.  Others will make you cry.  And then there are those which will leave you shaking your head and thinking, ‘mercy girl ; you are a mess’.