Ever had one of those days when it is all you can do to keep back the tears? A day that is harder than hard. Well today is one of those days for me. If I could have had my way, I might have just hide under the covers (may not… I don’t like my head covered) and cried the day away.
Today, Sunday, April 10, 2016 should have been the day to celebrate my younger sister,Becky’s, 55 birthday. Today should have been the day I would tease her about getting older. Today should have been the day I took her a rose bush or hanging basket to say Happy Birthday. Today should have been the day I decided to change it up and take her bubbles, sidewalk chalk, a kite, a coloring book and markers to give her a chance to feel young again.
But today is not the day it should have been. So instead of doing the things I should have been doing and I used to love to do for Becky’s birthday, I did things I would rather not do. Instead , I posted in memory photos on Facebook. Instead, I posted about how much I loved and missed her on this National Siblings Day and her now heavenly birthday. Instead, I made a beautiful and cheerful headstone arrangement and delivered it to the cemetery. Instead, I shed more than a few tears because I miss her more than I could ever imagine. Today I wanted to do anything but the “Instead”.
In just a few weeks we will embark on the 5th anniversary of Becky’s sudden and shocking death. It is still hard on my heart to think about her going to bed right next door to me and her waking up in Heaven only a few hours later.
There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of my sister, my next door neighbor, my secret keeper, my “make me so angry” person and my best friend. And it’s the strangest things I miss. I miss her being mad at me. I miss her complaining I didn’t wave at her when I didn’t even see her. I miss her being annoyed because I would mow my yard and make hers look shabby. I miss her making me laugh at the smallest of things. I miss her………….. well that list could go on and on.
You know, many times I wanted to kill my little sister. But I never ever wanted her dead. I never wanted to walk the rest of my life life without her. I never wanted to watch her family hurt. I never wanted to learn to stand on my own at times I would need to lean on her.
I’ve said it many times. Our mom dying at such a young age was hard. Daddy being here one day and gone the next was hard. But my younger sister dying in her sleep was harder than hard. It was harder than hard because in the previous hard and heartbreaking circumstances of life, I had my sister to lean on. I had my sister to worry about. I had my sister to talk to. I had my sister to cry with. I had my sister who knew exactly what I felt like. I had my sister to wipe my tears. This time in the saddest time of my life: I don’t have her to help me. Grieving without my sister is truly harder than hard.
Today has turned into one of those harder than hard days. Today I miss her even more than I did yesterday. Today I wish I could change things. Today I know I can’t change anything. Today I know tomorrow isn’t promised to any of us. Today I know to love those you love completely today!!!! Today I know I’m stronger than I ever thought I could be. Today I know God will give me what I need to get through today. Today I know one step at a time I will walk faithfully through the harder than hard.